Sunday, May 1, 2016

A Voice For Health

The republicans, the tea party, Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and the right wing Christian extremists claim to be "Pro life". But they are lying.

1.The republicans and the tea party have not ever "voted" to "reduce" pollution levels of water, and air, "unless absolutely forced to".

2. The air pollution in the United States is responsible for killing and murdering more American men, women and children than guns or cars.

 Pollution Kills 200,000 people per year the CDC Reports

3. The number of strokes increase in relation to increased pollution. 

4.  Pollution is causing dangerous abnormal behavior in children exposed to pollution. 

5.  Polluted environments are responsible for 1/4 of all global deaths. 

6.  166 million Americans live with unhealthy levels of pollution.  

7.  exposure to particulate pollutants, such as PM 2.5 and PM 10 are associated with various forms of Cancer 

8. Respirator masks reduce effects of pollution on the heart.

The republicans, tea party, Trump, Cruz and the Christian Conservative extremists are doing "nothing", not one single thing to address these "deadly" problems facing men, women, children, and families, living in the United States. While at the same time calling themselves "pro life". Which means they are liars.

Liars before God. Liars before the American public. And Liars while they are serving in public office, where they have said they would be honest.

So, what's it going to take? How much longer are you, as an American citizen going to tolerate, and/or put up with, the lying that the tea party, republicans, and Christian Conservative extremists are promoting and supporting? Is your support for these anti-pro life groups really worth the safety of your family, your mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, spouses, and friends?

Do you really want to get sick and die, just so you can die saying you support political groups in the United States who are guilty of taking no action to protect the health of you, your family, and your friends?

Due to various health issues, I have to wear a breathing mask at all times when I am outside of my home. And the air in my home is filtered and purified so that I do not breathe any of the pollution in the air.

People have laughed at me and think what I am doing is stupid. Yet. from "not" breathing the poisonous air, I am healthier than those who are breathing the poisons in the air that is daily, slowly killing American children, men and women and families. While Trump, Cruz, the republicans and the tea party refuse to take any action to clean up the air we breathe or the water we drink.

All the republicans and tea party, Trump and Cruz talk about is how much they hate various things. They never talk about how they are going to make the water we drink or the air we breathe safer or cleaner.

They can lie all they want. But they can't lie about how they vote in Congress. They can't lie about the actions or the lack of actions that they take.

Actions speak louder than words.

I am a very unimportant and insignificant soul in this world. What I am writing is not about me. I live a very healthy life. My diet and exercise and lifestyle is all geared to being as healthy as possible. And one of the most important things I do for my health is that I do not breath the dirty and poisonous air.

If the republicans and the tea party and the other members of Congress refuse to clean up the air. Then it is not our duty, as American citizens to die from breathing that poisonous air, just so that the republicans, tea party and the wealthy can make more money. That is not our duty.

Now you have the proof that the republicans, tea party, Trump, Cruz and the Christian Conservative extremists are "not" pro life. By their own actions, and lack of actions. They are not pro life. And the air is poisonous. And you will get very sick if you continue to breathe the dirty and poisonous air.

What you do with this information to protect you and your family is now up to you.

I've already made my choices as to how I  am protecting myself from these toxins that are in the air, that the republicans, tea party, Trump and Cruz refuse to take any action whatever, to fix or correct in the name of public health.

What happens now that you know the truth is your choice not mine.

But ask yourself. Are you really prepared to die just to try and prove me, and the entire world, of public health, medicine, and science wrong?

To all those who are suffering as a result of racism, bigotry, hatred, violence, disease, illness, disabilties, addiction, loss, emotional issues, bullying, or for any other reason. I send you my love and prayers. I send you my hopes that God and life will give you peace and good health, and happiness. And may good energy and all good things follow you all the days of your life.

love and godspeed,

Nicole "Mickey" Maschke

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

I'll Never Stop Crying For You My Darling... Never

It's true. My darling Aileen, my Leen, did come to me in a dream, telling me that I need to remember that I got everything I ever wanted in the world.

True and undying love.

But it's also true, that my love for my darling Leen has grown so large that my own life, in so many ways, is completely made small by comparison. Her courage. Her love. Her kindness. Her faith. Her tolerance. Her creativity. Her love of life. And, I guess most significantly, her love for someone like me. What so many in life have seen fit to call "a cast out", "a throw away", among other things.

I won't deny that, as I go through the last years I am going to live in the world, that I truly wanted more. I wanted Aileen. My wife. My love. My other heartbeat, to be by my side, as I face the toughest years of my life.

But then, I have to have faith. I have to believe. In something.

Not wanting to become bitter, and angry. Filling my life with lies, greed, hatred and violence, the way the tea party and the republicans take pride in doing. I have chosen to fill my life with the one thing, of all things that I got from knowing and being so deeply in love with such an amazing woman, Lady, and being.

True and undying love.

So rather than using God as an excuse to become greedy and rich. Or to use God as an excuse to make war, or to be racist or hateful. Or to lie and cheat. Or to carry a gun and go out and scream about how pro life I am, while I, like the republicans and tea party, go around killing anything that they can't 'control.

To celebrate the one thing that Leen gave me.

True and undying love. And to believe in what I told her.

"You're not going far my darling. You're just going home. Home to your children, our children. Home to my Mother. Home to all those you have lost. Home to those who I have lost. Home to life that we, in the physical world can only call death. Home to
God. "

But I don't write much anymore. Partly because the world is so violent and hateful. So angry. With the republicans and the tea party taking pride in how much pain they can cause. How much hatred they can promote. How much anger and violence they can promote. How much racism and hatred they can sponsor. How much greed and money they can get or steal.

In these years, the last years I live in the world. I refuse to go to God that way. I refuse to go to God with anger, hatred, racism, violence, contempt, greed, bigotry, and a vile hatred for other lives God created. Regardless of what the republicans and the tea party try to spread in the world.

As I go to God in these last years of my life. I am going with love in my heart. My darling Leen in my soul. And a song in my being. A song of love. A song of gratitude for having the supreme honor of loving someone as deeply as I love Aileen.

And if refusing to join in with the overflowing hatred that Trump and the tea party and the republicans are promoting, and supporting, makes me an enemy to them. So be it. For nothing is going to diminish or destroy the love I have in my heart and soul for my Leen, Aileen. And for this world.

When I go to God I am not gong to be afraid. Or cower in fear. Like the republicans and the tea party try to make everyone feel. When I go home to God. I am going to walk to God, with my head up, and chin out. Proud and honored of the life God gave me. Knowing in my heart and soul, that no matter how others may have seen me. That I know, as did one other soul in the world.

I tried my best.

I tried my best to always be a friend to others. I tried my best to never give in to violence and hatred. I tried my best to be honest and true. I tried my best to always hold God in my soul and heart, no matter what. I tried my best to not put value on anything higher than God. And that when I was honored enough to find one single soul who saw this in me. And loved me for me being me. I tried my best to do the same for this other soul. For her. To love her, regardless of anything. That I tried my best, when I found she was in trouble, to give everything I could to save her life. And then tried my best to understand there are some things in the world that no man or woman can change. The will of God.

So, while every single morning when I press my lips to Aileen's ashes. I close my eyes. I can feel her. I can feel her skin. I can drink in her fragrance. And as I press my lips to the box that holds her ashes. I can, in that single moment each morning, go back to the moment when I first picked up that box. And feel the same feelings I had then. That it was not a box. It was and forever shall be, my wife. My true love. My other heartbeat. My Leen.

My promises to Aileen will be kept. I am continuing to keep going, Every day. I am working harder than I ever have in my life, in so many ways, to keep going. To do what I promised her and God I would do. Finish it. Finish my life. Not take it. Or waste it, or abuse it. But to live it. To finish it. To finish my life.

And thereby then, keep my promise to my darling Leen. To take care of our home and of me. And to come home to her, when I have finished it.

My family hates me. Most of the people I've known in life from school and when I was working, hate me. The republicans hate me. The Christian Conservative extremists hate me. The Trump people hate me. Most of my fellow Jews hate me.

And yet. I have no hatred in me for any living soul. I may detest various forms of behavior. But behavior is human made. Humans are created by God. And to hurt any human, is for me as a pacifist, and act against God. For God has never given humanity the permission to destroy life. Prophets who are human may have done that. But God never did.

Therefore I shall stay to myself for the most part in these last years. Realizing I just cannot and must not be a part of the hatred and the violence and the greed and the killing and racism and ugly fighting that the republicans and the tea party take pride in promoting.

In these last years of my life. I'm going home to God. And I am not going home to God with hatred, or violence, racism, greed, selfishness, lying, or cheating, or killing in my heart or in my soul.

I'm going to face God with love and gratitude for a life that was lived. While not the best or one filled with lots of money or one that was famous. But one that at the very least, tried it's best to be a friend to all that God has made. And has always tried every single day to be grateful for the life God has given me.

And if my family, friends and anyone else in the world wants to hate me on that basis. That's up them. Because I will know. My Leen knows. And God knows, that at the very least, I have always tried my best.

I'm sorry if that has not been good enough for most in the world. Or for my family or the republicans and the tea party and the hate mongers of the world.

But there is nothing that anyone can do to me, or against me, that will take from me the true and undying love I have for Aileen, my Leen. For God. And for the honor of life. A life, that to me, was one that was and is truly incredible.

So I still cry for my beloved Leen. But they are tears not so much now of loss. As much as of gratitude. For I am grateful to Aileen for so much. And to God. For they both have shown me love, when  so many in the world have shown me hatred.

I just don't see the point in writing much anymore when so many people in the world are so full of hatred and anger, greed, lying, and violence. That's not how I want to go home to God. It's not what I want in my home or my life. It's now how Leen loves me. Or God loves me.

Which is why I just don't want to write much anymore. To maintain my focus on the love that Aileen gives me every day. And the love that I feel from God when I wake up every morning. I just can't be around or associate myself with such negative energy, that seeks to destroy life. Rather than to celebrate it or be grateful for it.

I just can't. Not if I'm going to be honest with God, Aileen and myself.

And if the Trump people or the tea party or the republicans, or the right wing Christian extremists, or any other group or person wants to kill me or hurt me because of their lust for such ugly violence and hatred. Then I will die with God in my soul. My darling Leen in my heart. And be grateful to God and Aileen for loving  me in a world where most found only fault with me.

Saying as I leave the world, by such an attack.

May God bless you. May God give you love. For you have none.

Each day I wake up. My heart leaps with gratitude to and for Aileen, my Leen, and God. For loving me. What so many call a failure or a waste of time, along with a host of other things.

While this is so. Aileen and God did not find fault with me. They love me. For me just being me.

the one thing in the world I wanted more than anything.

To be loved for me being me.

true and undying love.

To all those who suffer as a result of violence, bigotry, racism, hatred, murder, beatings, abused, addiction, disease, disability, loss, or for any other reason.

I send my love, prayers and good energy to you. May God give you peace. May God give you love. May God give you health, happiness and all good things.

And may you always know, no matter what. My life has been, and ever shall be, defined upon my always being your friend, when and if you need.

love and godspeed,

Nicole "Mickey" Maschke

Friday, April 22, 2016

Thank You Mom

Mother’s Day is on May 8. That’s just about a week away. I don’t want to take away from the much needed social statements that will be made on that day.


After going through 5 ½ years of deep grief, watching my beloved wife, Aileen, my Leen, die from cancer in 2010. Where, in March of this year, she came to me in a dream and told me….

‘Mickey. You know I finally got what I wanted. I found my children, Mickey. If I can find what I wanted Mickey. How come you can’t realize that you also got what you wanted?’

At which point I woke up. After two days of thinking I realized my beloved was right. I “did” get what I wanted. I found, in my darling Leen, undying, and true love. Someone to love me for no other reason than for me just being me.

And then….

In the weeks that followed. I found that, in reality, I always had the very thing that I had been searching for my entire life.

True and undying love.

I just had to search for 40 long and very hard years to find the one person in the entire world who could show me that. My Leen.

My Leen is a Mom. And like pretty much most, if not all Moms, Leen loves her children. Loves them more than her own life. Loves them when they fail. Loves them when they fall down. Loves them when they are lost. And loves them when they are found. Like she finally found her babies. Her wonderful children. All who died, with one dying in her arms just 45 minutes after she was born.

So, as I sit here, after a day like most others, filled with a good bit of hard work. Where I am slowly winding down the day. I heard a song. Just one song on the TV. And the first thought that came to me was my Leen. And then….

My Mom.

My Mom?

Well, truly she was amazing. My adoptive Mother was amazing to be sure. But my birth mother. My Mom. Well, she was and is the stuff of miracles and stories told through the ages.

On a cold day in December. December 30, 1950., My Mom was dying. She was 18. Scared. A full blown hunchback, like I was at the same age. And she only had, perhaps months left to live. Just like me, her son, in 1968.

Hard enough to be sure. But then, on that cold December morning, Mom went into labor. Not being able to move the entire left side of her body. And hardly able to walk. My Mom, dragged herself a solid mile, through the streets of Columbus, Ohio. She was dying. And still she got to the hospital. The first hospital refused her because she was 18 and out of wedlock.

Now some women might give up at that point. Some might fall down and lament and become lost. Not my Mom. She was determined. When the first hospital refused her. She stuck out her chin, and said, with her actions, ‘Not on my watch!’.

And she pressed on, another ½ mile to another hospital. Barely able to breathe. Knowing that she would most definitely die from doing what she was doing. All she could think about was that she had to get to the hospital. She loved me that much. She wanted to give me the most important part of her that she could give me.

Her life.

Getting to that second hospital, Mom again, with her actions, said, in my mind and soul, to God.

‘Dear Lord. Take me if you must. But please spare my child, God.’.

And on December 30, 1950, just around noon, I was born. And my Mom, two hours later, in my heart and mind and soul, went home to God. She died. Died giving birth to me. Died giving life to me. Givng her life up so that I could have mine. 

Like I said, I've always felt my Mom was truly an amazing soul. Not one that was famous or well known. But one who did something that, in my mind, is the stuff of miracles and stories told through the ages.  

I have always believed, since I found this out. That Mom knew she was carrying twins. But perhaps not. Only, my twin sister was not born. She was absorbed into me, just 90 minutes before I was born.

And in my heart and soul, I have always felt that God did what Mom had asked. But somehow realized that my sister was not going to be strong enough, on her own, to live in a world so full of life and anger and rage. And determined that I would do better. That I would survive. But God did not want to deny Mom her plea. So instead, God took my sister and put her into me. And then looked upon my Mom and said…

‘Come home my dear. Come home. Your children will survive. Come home. Your son will be in my light and smile all the days of his life. And your daughter will be in his soul and in his heart. So come home my dear. The world may never know your footsteps. But they will always know your light.’.

All of my life, I’ve met adoptees who have a list of things that they want from their Mom. Or questions. I have none of those things. All I have is the love she gave me. And that my sister reminds me of daily. Love, and gratitude. For of all the gifts that my Mom could have ‘given me. She gave me the one that is not only the most enduring. But has been the most amazing thing in my life.


So I have no questions or lists for my Mom. All I hope and pray for, as I enter the last years I shall live in the world is simply this.

Let me find my Mom. Oneday. Let me find my Mom. So that I can walk up to her. Put my arms around her. Feel her heartbeat. Let her feel mine, and my sister’s. So that Mom will know, unless she already does, that when she gave up her life to give me mine. She, in that single unseen act of love, literally saved thousands of lives.

For every life I found and come upon, in this world, I have always done so with the intention of being a friend. Even before I found out who my Mom was, and how miraculous she was. Something inside of  me knew she was truly a special soul before God.

So, I hope and pray, that when I fall to the ground the last time. When I look up into the last face I shall see in the world. Let the next face I see, along with God, be first my Mom. And then my darling Leen. So that I can walk up to my Mom, not with lists or questions. But with the love in my soul, she put there. And simply say,

Thank you Mom. Thank you. You’ll never know how many lives you saved, Mom, by giving me mine. Thank you so much. To your soul and your light, I have always been walking. You and God sent me my Leen to help me on my way. You gave me my sister to give me courage and strength and to believe there was more to life than that which is seen. And you gave me your last breath, so that I would never find my own last breath too soon in life. Thank you. With all that I have been in this world, and what I have been and still am to my darling Leen. Thank You Mom.

You believed in me. And so, all of my life,  I have believed in you.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom. Because in my heart and soul, you’re surely the best Mom I could have ever asked for.

Watch over my adoptive Mother, Mom. She suffered so much in her life. She can benefit from your amazing light. Watch over her please. For while she stumbled much in her life. In her own way, she loved me, Mom. Though she, nor anyone, could love me the way you did. And do. So watch over her, please. And take care of my Leen until I make it home. Okay.

Because Mom, I will find my way home. I will find you, Mom. I know in my heart that I will. I know in my soul, that one day, when I fall to the ground the last time. That somehow, through whoever is there to hold my hand. That you, Mom, will be there. Waiting for me, and my sister, your daughter, to return home. And we will Mom. We will.

All things in their own time Mom. You did not die to give me my life for me to give up or abuse my life or waste it. You gave me it to use and to live. I am, and have, and will, Mom.

So bide your breath, Mom. In your time, soon. In my time, a while yet. But eventually, Mom. You and Leen will look over that hill and not just see light. You’ll hear me. Whistling, walking with no limp. But a spring in my step and a song in my heart.

Then, Mom, we all be home.

I love you, Mom. I love you, and I love my darling Leen. Thank you.

May God guide my footsteps as I walk the trails in these woods we call life. As I keep my eyes on that hill. Knowing there’s always light over that hill. And that light, one day, will be home…

Godspeed Mom. Godspeed Leen.

I’m still here. I’m still right here. Every day. Always. Still here.


I guess I’m not like a lot of people. I can’t be. I’m just me. one small soul in a world of 8 billion souls. But one small soul, who has always has a song in his heart and love in his soul. Not only for life. But for my Mom, my sister, who I carry inside of me, and my Leen. And for every single life I meet, regardless of how light or dark they are. For, in my eyes, I see what my Mom saw in me. Not the dark. But the light. The light of life.

I hope that this Mother’s day, while so many will use gifts to try and express their love. That perhaps some will find how I express my love for my Mom to have value. Where I want nothing from her. For she ‘gave me the most amazing thing in the world. Life. So, when it comes to my Mom, all I have is love and gratitude. Every single minute of every single day.

May all the Moms on Mother’s Day be surrounded with love and gratitude for the love they gave to bring life to their children. Who, went into the world and have done so many amazing things.

to all the Moms. Thank you so much. Your children are truly lights in this world. For I see them all. Cause my Mom taught me how. And my Leen did it, and still does it, with me. Thank you.

love and Godspeed,

Nicole “Mickey” Maschke

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Daily Exercise

I've increased my exercises over the past month. I am now doing, daily...

18 full body push ups
50 diagonal knee lifts
25 plank leg lifts
35 back bendh dips

40 to 50 front culrs with 20 pound dumbbells
500 compressions with standard hard coil hand grips, 3 to 4 times daily.


On a recumbent bike

Between 15 to 20 miles per day, in a one hour session.

going between 15 to 20 miles per hour for the entire hour.

Spending 350 plus calories during the 1 hour session.

Considering the fact that I am, for the most part, a lowly piece of crap. The way my family considers me. That means I'm quite insignificant to this world. And very much a lowly and unimportant soul in the world.

So, if I, such a lowly and unimportant soul in the world who so many feel is nothing but a piece of crap, can do what I am doing, with the various health issues I have.(see right hand side panel).

Then I can't help but wonder why anyonr else, unlesss prevented from doing so for health reasons, can't do the same?

Life is meant to be used and lived. Not wasted abused. Do not let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do with your body to stay as healthy as you want.

I send good energy and high hopes for happiness, good health and all good things to everyone.

love and godspeed,

Niocle "Mickey" Maschke

Saturday, April 2, 2016

My Choice Of What Comes Next

I wrote the previous journal/blog entry with the hope, in my heart that, by doing so, while being a most unimportant and insignificant soul in the world, that what I was writing might help at least just one person, experiencing pain, or loss.

There is so much pain in the world right now. So much loss. And at the same time, so much hatred.

Focusing on my own country, The United States Of America, the tea party and the Trump groups are all about hatred. They hate ….

public schools
The Statue of Liberty
The Bill of Rights
any religion other than their own
the arts
the disabled
the poor
anyone who is not white, Christian and thinks just like they do

And the list goes on.

These two groups sponsor violence, hatred, and beatings, and abuse.

At 65 years of age, now just beginning to emerge from 5 ½ years of grief that I have tried for the past years to put into words, and always failing to do so. But, now, at the very beginning of my emerging from this terrible sadness, in my life. I come back to that one single night. When, in a dream, my beloved came to me. And she told me that she had gotten what she wanted. She had finally found her children, all who had died, with her daughter, dying in her arms just 45 minutes after she was born. My beloved told me that she had gotten what she wanted more than anything in the world. To finally find her children. And then, lovingly, scolded me, because I had failed to remember that I had gotten what I wanted in this world.

True and undying love.

And when I realized that single thought. In an instant my mind, heart and soul were bathed in a brilliant bright light. I’ll call it the light of God, since I’m a Jew. But, whether you call it God, Jesus, Buddha, Moses, Muhammad, or Allah, or energy doesn’t matter. I could feel the light of that which made me, illuminating every part of me, what I have been, and what I shall be.


It took me 5 ½ long and very hard years to get to this point. Where I had to make some of the hardest choices I ever had to make in my entire life.


I lost a lot during those 5 ½ years. I lost friends. And I lost family. I even lost my will several times, to even want to keep on living. But, through it all, believe it or not, my beloved Aileen, was there, reminding me that I promised her that I would not give up. So, as the stubborn soul that I am, I kept on going. I pressed on.

From this amazing series of moments in my life, I have come to understand some very profound things about myself.

Where there was a certain amount of trepidation about my life. Now there is none. Where I might have become full of passion about how ugly the tea party and the Trump people take pride in being. Now, it just doesn’t seem to matter much. For instead of looking at the dark ugliness that they are looking at, and that they support, and promote. I look instead at the light inside of my soul. The light inside the soul of humanity.

When I do, I realize that the world in the 1940s did not allow a tyrant to take over the world, with his hatred. And I then understood that the world would not allow another tyrant full of hatred and racism, and ugly selfishness, and violence, to take over the world. Just like the world did not allow that to happen in the 1940s in World War II.

So, I then understood that while the Trump and tea party people are pushing for global war, and nuclear war, and famine and the killing of families and children and the destruction of our nation, The United States, so that they can then change our country into “The Christian States of America”, with death camps, mass murders, starvation, child killing, the killing of poor people. The killing of all gay people. The killing of all minorities. And then to take over the entire world, and kill everything they can. And if God dares to stop them, they will even kill God. For their hatred knows no bounds.

And yet, when a monster of humanity tried to do this in the 1940s in World War II, the world stopped the monster, and would not allow the monster to destroy the world. And the same will happen again.

So if the Trump and tea party people really want civil and then nuclear war on earth. Which they constantly talk about, with their ugly hatred. Now, finally, after 5 ½ years, I am standing solidly in the light of God. With my beloved Aileen right by my side.

My heart and soul are filled with love. And my mind and heart has pity on the Trump and tea party people for falling so deeply into darkness that the only thing that they ever talk about or celebrate is how much they hate everything. They celebrate hatred and violence.

Yet God did not make man out of hatred. God made humanity out of love. And now, after 5 ½ years, I finally know, in my heart and soul, that no matter how ugly the right wing Christian extremists become with their vile hatred and killing of anything they don’t like. My attitude is. “let them begin with me.”.

For now, I can say that I am ready for anything they might do to me or the world. I will stand on the side of God and love. I will stand on the side of freedom and human dignity. I will stand on the right of the suffering children, men and women who, daily, die from abuse, hatred, violence and the ever growing darkness that is being promoted by the Trump, and tea party people, along with numerous other groups throughout the world.

I will stand on the side of love, and God. I will stand on the side of freedom, and the Constitution that gives freedom to all Americans, and not some, the way the tea party and Trump and their supporters want things to be. And if Trump, the tea party and the right wing Christian extremists want to change the name of our country from The United States of America to The Christian States of America and to celebrate the monster, Hitler, from World War II. Then, I will, as a pacifist, gladly put my body and my soul, between their hatred attacks and the freedoms of this nation. And be happy to die protecting the women, the children, the men, and all those who suffer from the dark hatred and violence that the tea party and the Trump people support. Before they rip this nation apart with their theocratic fascism, they will have to kill me first. While a pacifist. I have no problem giving my life, to defend and protect the Constitution of the United States of America and the freedoms that it grants to all Americans, and not just the tea party and Trump people.

I’m and old man. Now 65 years old. And having finally realized that I “did” get everything I really wanted in my life. I can go home to God with a clear soul and conscience, knowing that i have always tried to be a friend to those who I have met. That I always held God utmost in my soul. That I always stood up for freedom and equal rights. That I have loved, and love so much every day, the one soul God gave me to guide me home.

So if the Trump people and the tea party really want civil and nuclear war. I can’t think of any better way of dying than looking up into the face of a right wing Christian extremist Trump supporter or tea party person, telling me that they hate me and are going to kill me because they hate me, and want me dead. For my last words to them will be. “May God bless you and give you love. For you have none.”

And I know, before God, that my darling Leen, My Aileen, is standing right by my side in this. That no matter what happens, she has gone on before not to leave. But to make sure that I would be able to see the light. Her light, and the light of God, in a world, and in our nation that has become so horribly dark with ugly hatred and violence, that is being sponsored by liars and false prophets of the tea party and the trump people, and the right wing Christian extremists.

So, no matter what happens to me now, for standing up against this hatred, and ugly darkness. I will, when I fall to the ground the last time, be smiling. With My beloved in my heart. The light of love shining from every part of my being. And God in my soul. Knowing that the choice I made in my life was not to be part of or to support the ugly darkness of hatred and fascism. But the light of truth, freedom and human dignity.

As I said, I am a most unimportant and insignificant soul. Out of 8 billion souls in the world my life hardly matters. And in fact doesn’t matter to hardly anyone anymore. Other than my darling Leen. But God made me. My mother died to give me life. And neither God or my mother did what they did to bring me into the world with darkness or ugly hatred. They did it with love.

And as an example of one of the least that God has made in the  world. If I can make this choice, and do what I am doing and have done. Then, I know in my soul and in my heart, that anyone can.
I shall continue to pray for humanity. That humanity will turn away from the darkness of ugly hatred and violence and find the love of humanity. What it means to be human. Knowing that it is not how different we may seem to each other that has any real significance. But that it is how remarkably alike we are, that is the key to humanity once again learning how to love itself enough to celebrate life, rather than spending so much time hating life and destroying life.

I’m a dreamer. A writer. But I’m also a soul who has decided to focus on love and light, rather than darkness and hatred. And if that means I will be killed or have everything taken from me. Or that I will be put in prison and then killed. That doesn’t matter. For God knows my heart and God knows my soul. And God knows that, no matter what, I will never turn my face from the light of God and love, to look at, or support the darkness of the ugly hatred that the Trump and tea party people and the right wing Christian extremists are promoting and supporting.

For none of them are God. None of them will stand over my soul, dictating to God where my soul goes. For God is God. And only God who made me can decide where my soul goes. Unless of course, God is not God. And the Trump and tea party people and the right wing Christian extremists now are telling God what to do, and have decided that they are God On Earth. Which is impossible for any human being to be. Understanding the nature of God.

So, if I am killed or murdered. Or if my home is destroyed, or if I am put in prison and then killed. No matter what the Trump and tea party people and the right wing Christian extremists do to me. They will never destroy my love of God. My love that I have for my darling Aileen. And they will never take or possess my soul. For they did not give me my soul God gave me my soul.

If they come for me, with hatred to kill me, or take everything i have  and throw me in prison and then kill me. Or if they beat me to death. It doesn’t matter. They will never destroy my love of God, and my love for my darling Aileen. They will never destroy my support and my stand to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America, and the freedoms it embodies, and my fellow Americans, Just as I will die making this choice. I will die keeping my promise to my beloved Aileen, to protect our home, and to fill it with love and the light of God. In her case, since she is Wiccan, the Goddess.

They may have the darkness of ugly hatred and racism, bigotry, guns, bombs, money, power, lying, killing and their religions on their side.

But I have the love of God on my side. And the love of my country, The United States of America, and the love of my darling Aileen on my side.

So if they come for me.

As a pacifist I am dedicated to giving my life in defense of others without any act of provocation or retaliation. So if they kill me.

They will be killing somone who died, and was legally dead for 5 full minutes. And that God then gave life back to . So God wanted me to live in this world. If they come for me, and kill me. They will be telling God that they hate God for giving me my life back.

And when they do that.

Well, we’ll just see what happens.

To all those who suffer from abuse, addiction, wrongful imprisonment, disease, illness, loss, injustice, hatred, violence, hunger, racism, bigotry, prejudice, or poverty. Please know that I send my heart, my love and my prayers to you, always. That I pray that God gives you happiness, health, and peace all the days of your life. That God protect you and your family and friends. And that you may always have love in your heart and in your life. May God give you love and good energies always.

Love and godspeed,

Nicole “Mickey” Maschke

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Standing In The Light Of God

What I write now, is something that I know, in my heart, my darling Aileen, my Leen, wants me to write. What I write now is for all those who are suffering from pain, addiction, loss of a partner, a mother, sister, father son, brother, husband, wife, or, as I said, a partner. Even a close friend.

When Aileen crossed over (I prefer that term to "died". For in my heart and soul, she is "not" dead. Nor will she ever be. Not now. Not ever. For we, on earth have timelines. God does not.

So, when Aileen crossed over. The grief counselors were all over how I should handle her death. In addition to my having been her medical caregiver in the home for 8 months. Where in every 24 hours I only slept 90 minutes at any time. Mostly I slept in sections of 30 minutes or 45 minutes.

My response was most un-eloquent and plain. I said, "I can do this. If I could take care of her. I can do this. "

The first 4 years were nothing short of "hell on earth". Feelings of loss. Feelings of guilt. Feelings of failure. Confusion. Confusion about my gender. My identity. confusions about my spirituality. Confusions and even some anger. Not at her or God. Or the medical community. But anger at the negative energy in our world. How people could be so violent and hateful. When my darling Aileen, showed me, in the space of time she lived during those 8 months, how easy it is to do the other thing.


One of the first promises I made to her was that I would go back. Go back, meaning that I would revert to living as a woman, as a transgendered female. Which I had lived as for over 20 years, 18 of those years with my darling Leen.

But then things happened. The car needed $4800 work. So I had to choose between the fixing the car and saving my home. The car was sold. Then, I pressed on. But the people in our country who support and thrive on hate were making it more and more expensive for me to buy food. Let alone pay the bills.

So, I had to make another tough choice. How could I pull 150 pounds of groceries in a cart 2.5 miles in all weather, and fix the house, while still being transgendered, as a transgendered female. The answer. I couldn't. So for the (over) 12th time in my life. I had ot revert again, or do what is called, a purge.

I had to go back to living as a man. that was hard enough. Let alone trying to do it while working to save our home. Loving my darling Leen, keeping all the promises I made to her. So, slowly at first. I bought guy clothes. And then, more. It took me about 6 months. Again due to the haters in America who are determined to make things has hard as possible on people who are poor. But I did it. I built a wardrobe. And got a shopping cart. And began. For 2 solid years I walked weekly, 2.5 miles to and from the store. Sometimes in three feet of snow. But a promise is a promise. And I promised Leen I would take care of this house. And I would take of me. that I would finish it. So again I pressed on.

Aileen was and is Wiccan. And I am a Sephardic Jew. But God, whether you call it Moses, Jesus, Allah, Muhammad, buddha, or just energy. God is God. so I did a lot of praying. And sometimes I would laugh at God when the pain got or gets bad. Saying, "yeah. I get it. If you're aiming at me. you're doing a lousy job, Old Man. Cause I'm still here. ". But always being grateful.. gong to bed lots of times hoping I would not wake up. But always, as I said, being grateful when I did. and when I do.

It took me 4 long years before I could look at Aileen's picture. then, in the 5th year, I finally could look at my wife. My better half. My other half. The other heartbeat in my heart. The song in my life. My Leen.

My heath took lots of hits. With my colitis, hypoglycemia, sciatic nerve damage, my hernia, my partially collapsed lung. My spinal fusion. Yeah, my health took a hit. But I promised her that I would finish it. so, I began reading. doing lots and lots of reading. I changed my diet. I changed my sleep schedule. I changed my life. Anything I could or had to, I changed. Because I promised Leen I would finish it. That I would get it done. And just like when she was dying. I never let her down then. And I wasn't about to do it now. so I pressed on.

For those who say she's dead. Let me tell you. That's not true. She turns off the lights in a room if she wants to say no. And turns them on when she wants to say yes. Or she'll close a cupboard, even move something on my desk. She's not dead. those things don't happen on their own. She is here. In this house. In me. In all that I think and do. And each day I get up, the very best part of my day is walking over to her ashes, which are right where her hospital bed was. And saying, always.... "Okay darling. another day. Together. Okay. Like always Leen. Together. Okay. My hand to your darling. Always. My hand to yours.".

And then in the midst of the exploding hatred that Trump and the Tea Party and the other hate mongers are spreading. In a dream, in the 5th year after Leen crossed over. I was struck with the brightest light I had ever seen in my entire life. Leen came to me in a dream. And all she said was...

"Why are you so sad. I got what I wanted, Mickey. I found my children. And your Mom. And you got what you wanted. someone to love you, for always. "

Like a bomb going off in my life. I suddenly knew that no matter how much ugly hatred Trump and the Tea Party support, promote and spread around. the one thing that they can't take away from me, with their ugly hatred, is the love I have for Leen and the love she has to me.

They can ruin the government of our country. they can spread lies and hatred in the news. they can fill the air with poison, and make the water unfit to drink. They can come with clubs and knives and beat people and kill people, which they support doing. But the one thing that they have no power over, is my love for Leen, and Leen's love for me.

Even if they come into my home with a gun, and kill me. Or burn my home to the ground. Or Start killing all old people, or Jews or anyone they don't like. the one thing that they can't destroy, is my love.

And when I realized that. I suddenly knew that God was not only in my life. But was not making any mistakes in my life, or how I am going forward. Regardless of the lies that the haters might tell or say. No one has to believe anything I say, or live the way I live. I'm the only one who has to believe in me. Because, no matter where she is. Leen is right. I got the very thing in life I wanted more than anything else. to  be loved by someone for me just being me. No matter what.

And when I realized that, I then understood that where I had defined my life for 18 years, in terms of Aileen. Now, for the first time, I was defining my life in terms of me. But. With Aileen right by my side. With me. Two souls in hand, before God. One on one side of the veil and the other on the other side of the veil.

But two souls in hand, walking forward, before God.

So, now, after 5 and 1/2 years when Ailene crossed over.

I'm doing ...

20 full body push ups every morning
35 diagonal knee lifts
35 bench dips

500 compressions with a standard coil hand grips, both up and down

50 front curls with 20 pound dumbbells

And bicycling, on my recumbent bike between 15 and 20 miles every day, spending over 1500 calories a day.

My diet is totally changed. And is like a chemistry set making dinner. But my health is good. My energy is strong. I've made improvements to our home. In spite of the haters from the Trump camp and the tea party saying that anyone who is poor is stupid and doesn't deserve to live in a house, but needs to be killed for the wealthy more intelligent people.

The hater are relentless. they continue their ugly hatred of anything that they don't like. Lying about everything. Stealing anything they can. Taking the attitude, that some are more equal than others.

But in over 5 years, I've talked to literally hundreds of people who are suffering. For one reason or another. People who have lost loved ones. Not one of them had any hatred in them, like the Tea Party and the Trump people. Not one.

Some one the other day asked me what I am all about. I said, "I'm just an old man waiting to die.".

Then I said. "But God knows my heart and God knows my soul. And God knows that if he wants to come for me. He's got to bring an army. Cause, no matter what, I ain't going easy, or without kicking and screaming all the way. ".

What I'm saying here is not my telling you how to do anything. What I am saying is that following the hatred that Trump and the tea party are promoting is not healthy. Not for your energy. Not for your soul. Not for our country. Not for your family or your children, or your life. I don't watch Trump or his army of hate mongers. I don't read about him. Because my message to him and his army of haters, is if you want me. Bring it on. Come and get me. And if you bring and gun and shoot me. I'll simply say, as I'm dying. "May God give you love. For you have none.".

My mission now 5 1/2 years out is to be a friend to those who need one. That's all. To be a friend and never to return hatred with the same. But to return hatred with love. No matter what. Because, in my life. I did get everything I wanted. Because all I wanted was to be loved for me. And my Leen gave me that. And gives me that every single day. And no hate monger or ugly racist or bigot can ever take that love away from me. Nor can they diminish it. Not even if they make me starve in the streets or come and burn my home to the ground. I will do what I promised Leen. I'll finish it. It being my life.

So I ask for nothing.
I expect nothing.
I want nothing.
I'm grateful for everything.

If it takes me 6 months to buy one pair of pants. No problem. If it takes me the rest of my life, to finish fixing our home. No problem. She died for this house. And so will I.

So to all those who suffer.

Don't  lose hope. Believe. Believe in Belief, for the sake of believing. Don't measure yourself by what others do. But by what you feel you can and want to do. Don't give in to the haters and their ugly lies and violence. If you look for light, you'll find it.

I'm 65 years old. And I'm in good health. It's because of diet and exercise. And because I hold on to one thing. I always look for the light. And turn away from the darkness in life. I hold love and a song in my heart, and Leen in my soul. And God in my mind and in my life. I don't pray like other people. I talk to God like he's my best friend. Never lying to me. Never going easy on me. But always loving me, because he, or she or it, created me. Created me to keep going. To never give up. To press on. To remember that my Leen is not far. She just went home. No matter how one defines it. She just went home. And when God is done with me. Then I'll go home too.

There's no magic bullet. No magic spell. Getting through your life means you have to be able to adapt to constant change. And if I can do it. As lowly and an unimportant creature on earth that I am. Then, anyone can do it. Because I"m nothing special. I never wanted to be special. All I ever wanted to be was a friend. And I've done that, and am doing it every single day. And all I wanted was to find true and undying love. And I found that.

No matter how much trouble the haters make, or what they take from me. Even if they cut off my arms and legs, and take my eyes and my ears and cut out my tongue. They will never be able to stop me from loving. Having love in my heart and soul. And loving my darling Leen.

Which means my love is more powerful than their hate, and all their weapons. Because while they have hatred and guns, lies and violence and money on their side, and even religion. I have God on my side. And when I die I don't go back to any of them. Because they are not God. I go back to that which made me. God.

If you are in pain. I am so very sorry. If you are dealing with loss. Again, I am sorry. I Send my prayers and love and good energy to everyone in pain, or with any form of loss. And to all those who suffer. I'm nothing special in this violent hateful world. I'm just one single soul out of 8 billion. But one who holds the light of God and love above all the other things that people put value on, or chase after in life.

May God give you peace. May God give you love. May God give you all good things always...

love and godspeed,

Nicole "Mickey" Maschke

Me, now, 5 1/2 years out, as they say, after my darling Leen crossed over.

My darling Leen, Aileen Terra, my beloved wife. Who, to this day, is my other heartbeat. My love, my life, and my wife. The one soul who I searched for over 40 years to find. And the one who is waiting for me, once I keep my promise to her. And finish it.

godspeed my darling Leen. godspeed....

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Destroying Life By Design

A number of years ago, perhaps not more than 20 years ago. The medical industry was all over prescribing antibiotics, and various painkillers, in order to treat everything from chronic pain to headaches, to just about any infection or illness.

Then, after years of over prescribing all this junk that they wanted their patients to take. Suddenly now, in the current era, we have drug overdose one of the major problems. We have antibiotic resistant illnesses. We have drug use of painkillers off the charts. We have the medical industry charging, in many cases, over $200 for two (2) aspirin, in the emergency room. We have hospital induced infections growing at an alarming rate.

Then, once the medical industry has taken all of a patient's money curing them of whatever is wrong with them. Then the medical industry turns around and sues the patient, for the medical bills. And sues them to the point where the patient’s health either suffers, or they die. Or they take the own life.

Does the medical industry feel badly about this? No they do not. Does the medical industry apologize for their money grubbing and selfish anti-pro-life stand on trying to get as much money from the patient as possible, even if doing so kills the patient? No they do not.

As as far as suing the patient for the treatment that they received, and how this leads to ill health and death. Just remember that the highest rate of bankruptcy in the United States is medical bankruptcy.

So excuse me for not having any faith at all in the medical industry, which is being aided by the anti-pro-life right wing Christian extremists who are, for the most part, racist, hate mongers spreading lies and advocating the killing of all children and women and men who are not white and Christian. Just like the republicans are also anti-pro-life, by how often they support violence and killing of anyone who is not white Christian and republican.

These groups, the medical industry and the republicans and the right wing Christians can lie all they want. But their actions speak loud and clear. And their actions make them liars.

The medical industry is directly responsible for the current trend in overdoses, just like they have a certain amount of responsibility for a percentage of the suicides that happen in the US. Just like the republicans and the right wing Christian extremists bear the same responsibility.
The good in all of this is that these money grubbing selfish anti-pro-life liars can lie on TV and to the general public. But they can’t lie to God for what they have done, and the killing and murder that they have supported either actively or passively.

And thank God for that.

Which is my my legal living will states very clearly that no one from the medical industry can touch me or administer any care for me unless:

  1. What they are treating is a treatable wound
  2. A what is known as a transient illness
  3. A condition that meets the federally mandated requirements of infection control. Such as a disease that is highly contagious and meets the federally mandated infection control standards.

Other than the above. The medical industry can’t touch me, legally. And in lieu of the way that the medical industry and the republicans have come out so solidly for how much hatred they have for the poor and how much more they value money than human life.

The foregoing are just “some” of the reasons why I no longer want to write online anymore. In addition to why i don’t trust any of the hospitals in our country anymore. If you go there to have some problem fixed. You can bet your life, that once you are well, that the same hospital will sue you, for the medical bills, take your house, and destroy your life, in order to get all the money you have. Even if they drive you to suicide or kill you in the process.

That is, if the legal records of medical bankruptcy and hospital borne infections and suicide data provided by the United States Federal Government and other legal agencies is being presented as being true and correct.

But who knows. With lying being the new standard for the way people treat each other. Maybe everything and everyone these days is nothing but a liar.

Which again is why, I’m very glad I’m getting old. Because the older I get. The sooner I’ll die. And sooner i’ll die. The sooner I will be free from a corrupt medical industry, corrupt politicians, and lying and hate monger religions who claim to be pro-life, when their actions show clearly that there is nothing pro-life about them,

So, I’ll get old. And then. I’ll die. And the medical community and the lying politicians, and the hate mongers of the extremist religions will never be able to do anything to me again.

And thank God for that.

To all those who are suffering for any reason. My heart and prayers go out to you. May God give you peace and health and happiness. And may Good energy and all good things come to you.

love and godspeed,

Nicole “Mickey” Maschke

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Dancing In The Light

3/20/2016 - 11:20am:I realize that there are a few typographical errors in this post. It was late when I wrote the post. And I was having a slight bit of difficulty in seeing the screen clearly. I am leaving the slight typographical errors "uncorrected" because hardly anyone reads my blog. So I don't think that the typographical errors, all of which have to do with capitization, are going to make much difference. For the very few people who actually do read my blog. I want to apologize. Even though I tend to belive that you few who read this blog will understand. 
I'm not going to take down this blog. But in light of the extreme hatred and violence being promoted by the rpeublican party, the Donald Trump campaign, and the right wing Christian extremists, here in the United States. In addition to the hatred that my own family, the Maschke family has for me. That it is not only pointless for me to continue to write publicly. But due to the level of negative hatred and violence. That kind of ugly and negative energy is not only not good for my health. But also is not the kind of energy I want to, or will, identify, or allow into my life, or my home. So, any writing I do in the future, will be similar to this post. Where, my beloved Aileen, comes through me, or to me, to do the post. Again. It is my belief that the very few people who read my blog, much less care about what I write, will most certainly understand. 
Thank you.

It took me 5 ½ years to get to this point. But I am finally there.

For 18 years, from November 27, 1993, through November 20, 2010, my life and identity was defined, “in terms” of my beloved Aileen.

When she died, while I was not able to really articulate what was happening to me. I was struggling to find out who I was again. Who am I. What am I. Where am I going. What do I want. What matters to me. And how do I want to die.

And then, one single memory, in a dream, came to me in February. And in this dream, I was not alone. My beloved Aileen was there. And she and I talked. We sat together and talked.

She told me, that she fell in love with me because I was never afraid to be me. To not measure myself against others, or what others demanded of me or expected of me. But that I had the courage to stick my chin out and be no better than anyone else. And no less either. But to be simply, me.

She said that, often, when I’m out in public, with her, or even alone. There are times when I have trouble doing that one thing that she fell in love with. That I fall into the same trap so many people in their lives fall into. Trying to be what others expect, or want. And by doing so, forget to be the one thing they do best at. Being themselves.

I woke up, really, and honestly, crying. Which caused me to write the recent post, entitled, “Thank You”.

Because my beloved, from the other side of the veil reached over to me, and took my hand and reminded me of a single moment in my life, long before I had met her. In the dream she even showed me that moment. though not the parts of that moment that are too painful to remember. She showed me what happened as a result of that single moment in my life.

It was 1969. I had just gotten out of the hospital, where I was on my back in a 75 pound plaster body cast, from over the top of my head down to the bottom of my hips. And during that year, while I was turning from 17 to 18 years old. I watched 9 children, from the ages of 4 to 14, die right in front of me. Some no further from me, than just a few feet.

So, when I returned to Tucson, Arizona, to go back to boarding school. I had become changed. when I first arrived back at school. Within 3 months, it was discovered that I had throat cancer. As a result of a complication with my birthmark on my neck while it was under the plaster cast for those 12 long months. My body weight had gone down to just 90 pounds. I was 5’11”. And at one point no one expected me to survive.

My parents, may God bless them, mostly complained at me about how much trouble the operation was, and how, in their minds, I had become damaged goods. And how now I had throat cancer. Almost trying to make it my fault. Nothing I could do, was good enough. Nothing I could say would make them stop complaining.

I had just seen 9 children die. Die right in front of me. I couldn't do anything to help them. I couldn’t do anything to save them. I could only spend time with them, and tell them, that no matter what might happen, that I would never forget them. That I would love them, no matter what. That I would speak out, always. And be the first to defend them, no matter where God might take them.

So getting back to boarding school was one of the most amazing times of my life. While at the same time, one of the most difficult times of my life. The cancer had to be cut out of my throat. The one single thing that I had from my mother, who I did not know at that time, had died, in order to give me life. Was being cut out of my throat. I felt cheated. With my parents going off on me all the time, I felt deserted. With the kids at school laughing at me being so thin, I felt deserted.

So, while being given 20 pages or rules, and having had 6 months of intensive training on how to appear to walk normally, and how to fall, so that I would never fall backward, from any position. At the top of those 20 pages where the words, in bold letters. “Exercise or Die”.

The first rule. rule 1. said simply. “if you fall down you die”.

So, given that I had lost 9 very close friends. Children who were so amazing that, to this day, I carry them in my heart and in my soul. Then having my parents and sister beating on me. And the kids at school making fun of me, and laughing at me. I got mad. Not full of rage. I just got mad. And I decided that I need to go and have a talk with whatever it was that I saw when I died for those 5 minutes at 12:02am, on September 2, 1968.

So I went up to the Saddle Ridge, right behind school, in Sobino Canyon. It’s a 1 mile mountain right behind school. And when I got to the top, it was about 8:00am. I was alone. And I began to yell. I yelled and screamed at God. That it wasn’t fair to put this much on me. That God should have let me die. That God should have let my friends live. That when I had died, and argued that I wasn’t going to let God take me. That I was refusing to die. That I hadn’t meant that if, as a result these children had to die. I was furious.

Now the medical community, for the mechanics that they are. Will say I was deluded. The religious fanatics will say I’m a liar. And the republican right wing hate mongers will say I’m a worthless piece of cow crap.

But I’ll tell you what. When I yelled at God and said all those things. God talked back. Of course, I don’t expect anyone to believe me. I may be old and a bit crooked, and not much to look at. But I’m not stupid. So I don’t expect that anyone will believe what I am about to say.

But, here goes.

God told me that everything is done for a reason. That, while I might not see the reason for something happening or being done. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a reason. It only means that I’m not seeing the reason.

So, I yelled that may be fine and well. But it doesn’t tell me why. It doesn’t tell me what I am supposed to do now, My parents calling me damaged goods. Because they feel I’m a defective. My sister hating me. My friends deserting me. The kids at school laughing at me, and treating me like I’m some freak. And 9 of my very close friends dying without even giving me the chance to help them or save them.

God told me that I did help them. That I helped them to not be afraid of their lives. That I helped them to be happy knowing that no matter what they would know, in me, that they would always have a friend. That wherever they are or go, they will always have a friend in me. And that was the reason, the real reason God said that God had given me my life back.

To be a friend.

And then I got really mad. I said, “A friend? So that’s the run, the game? A friend? There’s no way I can do that God. How the hell can I be a friend when most people look at me like I’m some kind of freak.

And God said, because the ones who need a friend will never look at me that way. They will see the light that God had given me. And they will know, no matter what. No matter how dark things get. That if they see me or feel me near, that they will know that they have a friend with them.

I tried to argue that I didn’t have the first clue about how to do what God wanted me to do, be a friend. And God said, that I didn’t have to know. Because I had been doing it all of my life. That all I had to do was just know, inside myself, that God was guiding me.

And then I told God that if I did this, I was probably going to be more of a freak to most people. And God said. Those who need a friend would never see me as a freak.

So God pretty much told me to ignore all the junk my parents were throwing at me. And how my sister hated me. And how most of my friends at home hated me. And how most of the kids at school treated me like a pile of dung. And to remember that being a friend to those in need was not just what God wanted me to do. But that my friends who had died wanted me to do for others what I had done for them.

When I came down from the Saddle Ridge, it was the end of the day. The time was almost 7pm. I had stayed up there, arguing with God for almost 13 hours.

When I came down, I decided that if that first rule said I could die if I fall down. That I wanted to make sure that if I fell down that It was going to be worth the fall. So I decided that I would climb as many mountains as I could. Not to dare God. But to show God, that I wasn’t afraid to fall down. But that if I was going to die if I fell down. I wanted to make sure that it was worth it.

As years passed, I ended climbing most of the major mountain ranges in the Continental United States. And in over 40 years, I’ve only fallen perhaps 6 times. And always forward, as I was trained to do.

in all those years, I did what I promised God I would do. Be a friend to those who need a friend.

But that’s not all that went on, while I was up on the Saddle Ridge that day. I asked God, “What do I get out of all this. Not that I’m asking for anything. But is what I’m going to do going to be worth it? If I do this, and most people laugh at me and call me stupid. Then what’s the point? “

And God asked me what I wanted, now that I was alive, more than anything.

And at that point I sat down on the edge of the ridge and thought for a moment. Finally, after almost 30 minutes. I got to my feet. And I said, “God, what I want more than anything is to be loved. Loved for me. I know you love me, God. Because you gave me my life back. But I want someone to look at me. And love me. For me being nothing special. Nothing big or fancy or famous, or rich. But just for me being me. If you ask me, God, what I want. Well, God, that’s what I want more than anything in the world. Can I have that God. Give me that. God, and I’ll be your whipping boy. I’ll take the hits. I’ll let them laugh at me, beat me, and even try and kill me. If you give me that one thing, God, I’ll stand at the Gates of Hell, if you’ll give me just that one thing. “

“I mean, God, those kids didn’t have anyone when they died. I was the only one there. I couldn’t just let them die without someone loving them . Without someone telling them how special they are. And how much they are loved. I just couldn’t do that God. So, if I do this for you. What you want. Then, I’m asking you. Can you do that one thing for me? Please? Give me someone who looks at me, and doesn’t see me as damaged goods, or some freak. Or a joke. Give me someone who, when they look at me, and love me. Really love me. For me just being me. “

And God told me that if I do this one thing for God, that there would be many who love me for me being me. For the people who need a friend, when they find a friend, also find love. For when a friend is a friend to one who needs a friend, the one needing a friend feels love for the one is being a friend. And in that they then learn how to love themselves. And God said, that if I did this one thing for God, that I would eventually learn how to love me, as much as I want someone to love me. “

And to that, I couldn’t say anything. I fell to my knees and began crying. I said, “Well, sure. Make it easy. I get it. A whipping boy. That’s what I’ll be God. But maybe something else. Okay. But will I find that one. That one person who will  love me. I mean really love me? “

and God said, “Everything happens for a reason. I I do not see the reason that does not mean there is no reason. It simply means I’m not seeing the reason. So, go and look. Look at your life, as you live your life. And if you look. You will find. And if you find, and do what God wants you to do. Then what you will find, one day, will be the very thing you are looking for. “

And so the years passed. I ran into so many trees, along the way. I was shot twice, stabbed three times, had guns put to my head and even in my mouth. I was beaten with crow bars and clubs. I was hit by a car 4 different times. Thrown out of places, Fired, laughed at, made fun of and made small of.

But I kept my promise. to always be a friend to those who needed one. Sometimes I didn’t do so well at it. I was haunted by the deaths of my friends who died that year in 1968. I had, and still have nightmares all the time. But not as much now I used to have in the past.

And after some failed marriages, where the women were more concerned with my parents money than they were with me. At a time, when I thought I really couldn’t go on any longer. On November 24, 1993 I got a phone call. It was from Aileen, who I had not met, but who I knew through email. She invited me to dinner on the coming Thanksgiving. And on November 27, 1993, at 8:45pm, when I stepped on to the porch of this house. Every single thing in the entire world suddenly stopped. Nothing moved. I call it, the perfect second. For when our eyes met. The moment she looked into my eyes and I looked into hers. I suddenly, in my heart, believe it not, I heard God. And God said, “if you look you will find. “.

And when I stepped onto the porch and the fragrance of her hair and skin wafted up to my nose, all I could say was,

“My God! You smell like home!”

And Aileen put her arms around me and said, “Why, my darling. That’s because you are!”.

And so, in this dream in February, Aileen and I talked. She reminded me that I had promised her to take care of me. And that she fell in love with me because of all the people she had known or met, that I was one who, in her eyes, had the courage to stand up and dare to be not like everyone else, or to be something I wasn’t. But to be … me.

And she said, she knew that while she was alive, that she needed me to be there to help her. And she said that without me, should would have never have lived as long as she did. Then she said,

“Now it’s time for you to do what you do better than you do anything else. Be you. Be the you I fell in love with. Be you, Mickey. And watch what happens. “.

So, where I had defined my life, in terms of Aileen and her needs for 18 years. I suddenly realized from that one dream, that God had kept God’s promise to me. That of all the things in the world. The one thing I wanted was what I actually did get. Someone who would love and, and could love me. For just one single thing. Something simple. Something that isn’t about money or the clothes you wear, or how famous you are, or what race you are, or anything. I got true and undying love.

Those 9 friends of mine who died in 1968, I have always called, “The Sacred 9”. And then there is my Mom. And then there is Aileen. And then there are all the lost souls who I have met in my life. People from every walk of life, Sometimes drunk, or on drugs, sometimes beaten up or homeless. Sometimes rich and having just about everything they thought they wanted.

And yet, when I came upon them, they were lost. So much in need of something so simple. A friend. Sometimes being a friend meant sharing a drink with them, Other times it was giving them money, or helping them fix their car, or even holding them while they sleep so they could get a good night’s sleep. Other times it was doing some financial work for them, Helping them to fix a window, or build a door, or even driving them to hospital. It didn’t matter. I did what I promised God that I said to God that I would do. I was a friend. Sometimes they needed a shoulder to cry on. or someone to just sit and listen to them. Or go for a walk with them. It didn’t matter.

Because, all of my life, while so many others would take guns and hatred and use those things to make themselves happy. Others would strive for money or power or being famous. I kept my promise to God that i made in 1968. No matter where I was, or what i was doing. I never just looked once at anything. I always took that second look. To make sure that if what i was looking at, needed a friend. Then, by the power of God. Let me be that friend.

And so I did.

In this dream, Aileen, told me. She said, “Mickey what you did for me, the world is now starving for. No pretenses. No strings. Just one soul walking through life, like you, Mickey. doing one thing. Being a friend, Mickey. A friend to those who need a friend, Mickey. Just the way you were for me, Because Mickey, I fell in love with you because you have the courage to be that. To be that friend. Honest and true, who is not afraid to reach out their hand to anyone who needs a friend. Just like you opened your heart and reached out your hand to me, Mickey. Now, do it for all these other souls, Mickey, who need your love and you a friend, just like me. Do this, Mickey, and your Mom, and God and I will be right there with you, doing this with you and through you. And then, watch what happens.”

So, while the world is becoming consumed with hatred racism, hate mongering, and killing, and all manner of ugliness. I press on. Just as I began doing in 1968. Alone, misunderstood. Laughed at by many. My own family, the Maschke family hating me so much they would love to kill me, Aileen sister hating me so much because her sister did the one thing that she could never do in her own life. have someone who would fall in love with her. Aileen has had many people love her. But her sister has never had anyone fall in love with her. And she can’t stand that. So she hates me because I am in love with Aileen. And she, Aileen’s sister, has never had anyone who loves her like I love Aileen.

Most of the people who used to know me in Cleveland, before I met Aileen hate me. Most of the people I went to school with hate me. Most the people I worked for and with hate me.

But then there are others. Not a lot of people. But some. People who found themselves, simply because I happened by, and saw that they needed a friend. And I was that. A friend. Not telling them what to do. Or living life for them. But simply showing them how easy it is to love themselves. Because i loved, and still do love, them.

So, as I said. When I woke up. i was crying. And then wrote the post, “Thank You”. Because God was right. “Look and you will find”.

Because I did. and I do. I look and then I find. I always find a soul, a friend in need. And when i do. I am that which I promised God I would be. A a friend.

Which is why, now, 5 ½ years after Aileen crossed over.  

I realize that God kept God’s promise to me. That if I did that one thing. Then God would give me the one thing I wanted. True and undying love. Someone to love me for me.

Which is why I haven’t written much lately. There is so much hatred in the world. And if I’m going to continue to keep my promise to God. I can’t focus on or be a part of that ugly hatred. Because my life is not about hatred or being an ugly racist and hate monger like Trump and the republicans, and the right wing Christian liars. My life is about keeping promises.

Promises to The Sacred 9. Promises to my darling Aileen. And promises to God. To do that one thing. Be me. Which is not about violence or hatred or ugly racism and vile lying and killing and violence. But about love and friendship.

It’s how I was given my life back by God in 1968. And it’s how I will return to God, when God deems that I have finished keeping my promise.

Love and friendship. To always be a friend to those who need one. To always show and give love to those who need it. To always have the courage to reach out my hand to anyone who is a suffering soul.

Only now, I’m not doing it defined by Aileen’s life. I’m doing it with Aileen in and through me, in my life and all that I am and do. As my Mom is. And the three of us, and my sister who was born into me, when I was born. The four of us. Three women, and me, together. In and through my life, giving love and being a friend. As I keep my promise to God. As I keep my promise to Aileen, The Sacred 9, to my Mom, and to all those who I have known, to never stop being me. Because, like Aileen, they fell in love with me, in so many different ways because all of my life, since 1968, I’ve done that one single thing, while being a friend. Just be me.

my Mom, my sister, Aileen and I send you love and good energy always.

love and godspeed,

Nicole “Mickey” Maschke